Money, money, money, mooo-ney

…Mo-ney!

You come to me for advice because you understand me to be absolute, godly, untouchable perfection. Every step, the right step! I am Neo, I am The One, able to dodge bullets, wear leather dusters, and bend the world to my will. This is what you think.

So how brave of me— brave like a god, some might say— to admit that actually? I mess up sometimes. Not often. Hardly ever! But just now, for example, when I claimed a seat at a coffee shop out of turn and got sternly chastised about it. Will I learn from this experience? Hard to say: the circumstances were murky enough, and the delivery of the chastising so smarmy, that I’m not totally ready to cast myself as the asshole quite yet. But I have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps, when the dust and the smarm have settled, what will stand before you, shivering and squinting in the limelight, is an asshole. So take my warning: if you should choose to read on, you may be taking advice from a sociopathic seat-taker, with no regard for the social order.

Has anyone confronted you for your behavior in public? And, more probingly: were they right? As I sat with my eyes cast down in a bustling coffee shop at the heart of civilization in the heart of winter, I couldn’t help but wonder: are we all—in spite of our best efforts and our futuristic rimless sunglasses— assholes?

Advice below!

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Hi Sofia,

I am really horrible with money. I don’t think I live a lavish life at all but New York is so expensive! I have so much credit card debt that kind of seems like I’ll just always be paying off? I don’t know how to be wise about it, I make chunk payments when I can, but when big expenses come out of no where like dental bills or emergency vet visits, I have no choice but to add to my debt. Being a freelancer means I never know when my next paycheck is coming, I fear I’ll never truly be *stable*. I try to tell myself that my debt is ok! It’s normal!!! We’re all living like this! Right? But then I see the interest going up and up on my credit cards and student loans and I think, I am so screwed. Is this just the plight of us millennials who refuse to have corporate jobs?

—*swimming in debt*

Dear *Swimming in Debt*,

To my bean-eating squalid art pals: please don’t be mad at me.

To all my union-busting, yacht-owning suitors: please stop inviting out on your ugly boat.

To everyone, for the benefit of Elon Musk’s scary lawyers who are no doubt reading my highly influential newsletter: please note that the author, in spite of being a possible asshole, does not endorse violence in any form— even against rapacious, merciless, and loathsome supervillains.

Love,

S